RAM-N-GO
Hi hello welcome stand there spin.
And again.
Once more.
Stop please thank you. First impressions are this—the face? Average. It’s an average face if we’re being honest but the neck? The neck is fine. Very fine. Never discount what a good neck can do, especially given the subject matter here today. We need a strong, animated gullet, with a good slope and receptive to shoveling, slurping, haut-de-gamme guzzling. We need the everyman’s nape. We need a throat like a trash compactor and baby you got it!
Take this bag and picture this. I’ve just delivered it. You’ve waited for an hour, and there was a mix up at work today when you sent the bi-monthly newsletter to the wrong mailing list—Preferred Stockholders instead of Preferred Stock Holders. Boy was that a fuck up or what? Of course the only other person who doesn’t work from home anymore is your boss, so when he came out of his office and laid into you he really took license of the room. A master. The Da Vinci of meltdowns screaming his Last Supper into existence via open concept workspace. It won’t be your last supper, though. For a moment you thought it might be, but you survived in the end. You didn’t take a lunch break and you clocked out lightheaded. Your stomach growled every bit of the five mile, forty minute drive home in your dented Chevy Cobalt. Your legs trembled climbing the six flights of stairs to your apartment but wait a minute, hang on now, there I am! Outside your door, Ram-n-Go bag in hand. And I’m giving it to you! The balmy broth, the soy-braised pork belly, the softboiled egg. The shoestring noodles—you made it! You were so clever ordering when you did. Show us how clever! Show us how pleased! Show us resilience!
Keep going. Don’t look at the camera. Don’t look at me either. Just, you know, do a glazed over middle distance sort of thing.
Not bad, not bad. But I can see you’re holding back. Let’s try something different. Let’s stop pretending. Let’s extend extend extend. Do you see what I’m doing with my arms? Try to take a deep breath using what you think is your dominant lung. Hold it there. Suspend it, suspend it. Do you see what I’m doing with my hands? Ok, now scream! Actually don’t scream there are other people in this business suite and we should be respectful. We’re not paying rent. This room is for nursing mothers.
In fact, I’m going to sidle up beside you now. Here we go. This is suitable. Allow me to whisper a secret in your ear. Listen to how I pronounce certain words. How I develop my Ts and my vowels. Do you see? What I’m doing? With my fingers? You have nothing to worry about. The causes of your doubts have been contraindicated. Negotiations have been contraindicated. Union? You better believe that’s been contraindicated. Greatest country on Earth. The markets are up. The call’s come in from Vegas and the line’s gone your way. Bets have been placed. Money’s been moved. The “what ifs” and the “wait buts” are hounded in the field by made-to-order rejoinders dispatched to swiftly terminate them. Now, cradle this bag.
That is better. Much better. Do you feel how relaxed you are?
So why are you always alone?
Oops, sorry to switch into top gear like that but I’ve realized something while your shoulders were coming unwound. The thing is, I’ve seen you before—on billboards, at bus stops, those little virtual signs in the subway. The agency’s done well to get you out there. I see you in pop up ads while I scroll through my socials, your face always beaming at whatever’s been placed in front of you. Crispy, battered shrimp for Tempurary, rotini in white sauce for P(r)esto, a gin highball for QuikrLikr—you’re smiling in all of them like someone’s made a joke or patted you on the back. But there never is someone. It’s just you. And now here you are again, alone again. Did those other places also not think to bring in models who look like family or friends? Or bring in the real thing even. You have family and friends right? It’s quite impressive how you’ve contorted yourself to look so happy in all of those photos with no one else around. Maybe that’s the key, you know? Let’s see that isolation, baby! Give me lonely! Dig deep and show me SOLITUDE!
Oh yes, oh YES! Hold that face! That’s the one! That’s why you’re everywhere after all! I’ve been in this business twenty to forty years depending on which intractable prick you ask and trust me when I say, every so often someone comes along who was born to finesse the lens. All it takes is a single glance. That’s you, my friend. That’s you. Now let’s get the hell out of here. The markets are down. They’re firing people left and right. Grab an empty box, throw in some baby wipes and a stapler, and when we walk out of this room try to look like you’ve just inhaled a mushroom cloud. Try to imagine how long the ten dollar bill in your wallet will last. It’s all about how wide your eyes get and how low your mouth hangs, but I don’t need to tell you that, superstar. Think you can do it? I’m right behind you. Someone new pulls the fire alarm around this time every day. Think you can do it? Let’s see kid. Let’s see.
Dan Shields' work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Normal School, Cleaver, ANMLY, New Delta Review, and others. Find him on Twitter @DanDotShields.
